Open Arms

(Marriage - Week 12)

I know many people have to deal with conflict with their in-laws, but I have been really blessed with a great in-law family. I consider my mother-in-law one of my best friends and appreciate her wisdom and insight. Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have provided me and my husband time to develop our own family and never offer any advice unless we ask for it. They are both very loving and accepting of me as well. One of the things I learned from my own dear mother is to call my in-laws “Mom” and “Dad.” Following her example, I asked my in-laws when I first married if this would be acceptable and I am grateful for the feelings of love and acceptance this small act has provided. In the book Helping and Healing our Families, the authors write: 

While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents. It is also helpful to ask parents-in-law if it is all right to call them Mom and Dad, or what they would like to be called. Likewise, it means a great deal for an in-law to be referred to by siblings simply as ‘my brother’ or ‘my sister’ rather than always being labeled as in-laws.” (Harper, J.M. & Olsen, S.F. Helping and Healing our Families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” p. 331)

As much as I have appreciated my relationship with my parents-in-law, I have failed to apply the second part of this insight to my siblings-in-law even though I have seen the power of it when my own sisters-in-law have always called me simply “sister.” I have seen some in my family struggle to feel included and I truly believe that by removing the in-law label we may see some significant improvement with this problem. Too often, we separate our immediate family (siblings and parents) with our in-laws (those who married our siblings) creating a difficult fence to cross. Just as we are all children of God and try to look past so-called barriers of race, religion, and culture, we should accept all into our family with love and acceptance.

 

In what do you believe?

(Marriage - Week 1)

In what things do you believe “deeply and actively?” Does your schedule reflect these beliefs? 

I know many people who believe deeply and actively in sports. They never miss their favorite team’s games. They often spend many hours in the preparation of game day food and activities before the game even begins. They watch the news to catch all the scores of other games they missed. They discuss plays and highlights with friends and family. These actions support the fact that they believe deeply and actively in sports.

I believe in the family. I believe in marriage between a man and a woman. In 1980, President Spencer W. Kimball proclaimed, “The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us” (Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4). Now, over thirty-five years later, I believe this statement to be descriptive of our time. We must become a more actively involved people in the organization of marriage. We must believe deeply in the family.

As a stay-at-home mother, I spend most of my time supporting and strengthening my family. But I know I can further support marriage and family by being more deliberate in my mothering; by being more present in my home. Yes, physically I am always here, but am I doing all I should? Am I using my divine nature as a woman to love and nurture my family to the best of my ability? Am I setting an example for my children that I want them to follow?

Unlike sports fans, who cannot control the outcome of a game no matter how hard they try, we can support and strengthen marriage through our actions. The 2012 State of Our Unions by the University of Virginia declares, “For those convinced that stable families are critical for child well-being and thriving communities, strengthening marriage is the goal from which we will not turn away” (32). One way we can apply this in our own lives is to “realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection” (Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, May 2007). Marriage is worth the effort. 

This week, I have also been reminded that each person has been given the gift of agency. No matter how much effort we put into our marriages and families, each individual is responsible for their own actions. A close friend of mine has been struggling this week. She feels like a failure in her role as mother because of the choices of her grown children. She was active and deeply involved in her family, but once her children left home, some have made choices that have made her feel as if she did not do her job well enough. This has reminded me that we must always remember to apply the healing power of the Atonement. No matter what circumstances we face, the hope and peace we can find when we apply the Atonement to our lives can help us through them. 

Motherhood

I came across a quote today that spoke to me as if it had been written from my own heart.  Elder Neil L. Anderson used it in the October 2011 General Conference.  He was quoting a blog called desiringgod.org.  I am looking forward to perusing that blog in the near future.  The title that this particular quote came from is called, "Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Children Rank)."  If you'd like to read the whole blog post, click here.  I loved the whole thing, but this is the part that really touched me:

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.

Parable

I came across this parable in my reading today, and I absolutely loved it.  It is so wonderful, with deep meaning.  It is from a talk by Elder Boyd K. Packer in October 1993.  If you'd like to read the whole talk, click here.

"Once a man received as his inheritance two keys. The first key, he was told, would open a vault which he must protect at all cost. The second key was to a safe within the vault which contained a priceless treasure. He was to open this safe and freely use the precious things which were stored therein. He was warned that many would seek to rob him of his inheritance. He was promised that if he used the treasure worthily, it would be replenished and never be diminished, not in all eternity. He would be tested. If he used it to benefit others, his own blessings and joy would increase.

The man went alone to the vault. His first key opened the door. He tried to unlock the treasure with the other key, but he could not, for there were two locks on the safe. His key alone would not open it. No matter how he tried, he could not open it. He was puzzled. He had been given the keys. He knew the treasure was rightfully his. He had obeyed instructions, but he could not open the safe.

In due time, there came a woman into the vault. She, too, held a key. It was noticeably different from the key he held. Her key fit the other lock. It humbled him to learn that he could not obtain his rightful inheritance without her.

They made a covenant that together they would open the treasure and, as instructed, he would watch over the vault and protect it; she would watch over the treasure. She was not concerned that, as guardian of the vault, he held two keys, for his full purpose was to see that she was safe as she watched over that which was most precious to them both. Together they opened the safe and partook of their inheritance. They rejoiced for, as promised, it replenished itself.

With great joy they found that they could pass the treasure on to their children; each could receive a full measure, undiminished to the last generation.

Perhaps some few of their posterity would not find a companion who possessed the complementary key, or one worthy and willing to keep the covenants relating to the treasure. Nevertheless, if they kept the commandments, they would not be denied even the smallest blessing.

Because some tempted them to misuse their treasure, they were careful to teach their children about keys and covenants.

There came, in due time, among their posterity some few who were deceived or jealous or selfish because one was given two keys and another only one. “Why,” the selfish ones reasoned, “cannot the treasure be mine alone to use as I desire?”

Some tried to reshape the key they had been given to resemble the other key. Perhaps, they thought, it would then fit both locks. And so it was that the safe was closed to them. Their reshaped keys were useless, and their inheritance was lost.

Those who received the treasure with gratitude and obeyed the laws concerning it knew joy without bounds through time and all eternity."

Woman

I have been thinking a lot lately about the roles of women and men.  I came across this quote in my religion class I am taking.  I absolutely loved the imagery it created.  One of the things I have been pondering on is how unique the roles of men and women are.  The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gave a proclamation to the world on The Family on September 23, 1995.  They testify, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  Men and women complement one another.  A man needs a woman to complete himself and to one day be perfected.  A woman also needs a man to complete and perfect herself.  We have been given divine characteristics to help us in this life.  We have certain responsibilities we must fill.  Yet, we help one another.  I don't know what I would do without my husband's help.  I recently read an article about another mother's epiphany.  She is a stay-at-home mother, much like myself.  As such, she often would feel as if she wasn't doing all she should and would sometimes feel as if she wasn't doing enough for the family.  Should she get a job and work out of the home?  Should she do something else to contribute to the family income?  These thoughts often come, but what she realized is how precious a gift of her being at home was to her husband.  She loves being at home with her children and running the household.  She realized that her husband loves it as well.  He is the provider for the family.  She takes care of the home and children.  He does not have to worry about who will take care of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the carpooling, the school emergencies, or any number of other things that would have to be split between the two parents if both were working full time.  We need to embrace our gifts.  God knows what He is doing.  Family is the center of it all and when we gladly embrace the roles divinely given to men and women, we are doing His will.