Covenant Marriage

(Marriage - Week 3)

When I was younger, I remember hearing a quote by Bruce R. McConkie. He taught, “The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority” (“Agency or Inspiration?” New Era, Jan. 1975, 38). Now, I had no idea who I was going to marry, but I knew where the “right place” was—the temple; the House of the Lord. I also knew that the “right authority” was one who had been given the sealing power to bind things in heaven as well as on earth. I knew when I found “the right person” that I wanted to be with him forever. Knowing the latter two things, certainly helped in my search for “the right person.”

(photo credit: https://www.facebook.com/mormonxmemes)

However, even knowing I married “the right person, in the right place, by the right authority” does not mean my happily ever after is all set in stone. Bruce C. Hafen taught, “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity.” I have been married now for fifteen years. Some may think that is a long time, others may not. But I can attest to the fact that adversity will come. We have faced deployments, death, unemployment, miscarriage, sickness, and many other small adversities. I am positive we will face many more. But as a couple, we were mindful of the covenants we had made with each other and with God. We knew we could make it through any adversity together, and each one has made us stronger and more united. Though some trials I would never wish to relive, I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned. One lesson I have repeatedly learned is to be grateful for my husband’s support. My husband deployed a lot during his eight years in the military, and as much as I hated the times we were separated, those experiences continue to make me more appreciative of him when he is here. In his first civilian job, he was gone for 2-3 months every 4-6 months, so at least twice a year. Then we had a year of unemployment. As hard as it was living with no income, I enjoyed every single day he was home. We had our sixth child during that year, and it has brought me such joy to see her be more “attached” to him than any of our others at that age (mostly because he would have been gone at some point in their infancy). Being apart has definitely helped me appreciate having him around. Elder Hafen claimed, "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength." I know I have felt those reservoirs of strength sustain me many times over the years.

The next wolf that Brother Hafen warned against was “the wolf of their own imperfections.” Oh boy! Neither my husband nor I are perfect! But we certainly try to help each other grow. My husband’s favorite scripture is found in Ether 12:27. It states, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” As we both strive to grow closer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, He helps us become stronger. I know when my husband and I are consistent in our personal prayers and scripture study, combined with couple prayer and scripture study, we grow closer to God and to each other.

The last wolf Elder Hafen mentions “is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.” In Genesis 2:24, however, we learn, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  The definition of cleave, found in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is “to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.” My favorite part of the previous scripture, however, is “and they shall be one flesh.” There is no room for “excessive individualism.” A marriage requires a uniting. Sometimes this requires sacrifice, but it always requires commitment and love. I remember when I was much younger and newly married, I had a friend who some of the ladies at church would make fun of. They would comment that she was a pushover, a wife who was controlled by her husband and couldn’t think for herself. Why did they say this? Because this friend of mine would sacrifice little things to make or keep her husband happy. At one point, I even had to stand up to them because they were gossiping about her at a church activity! Little things that would never matter in the long run were being discussed as if everything depended on them. For example, my friend’s husband is grossed out by bare feet. So my friend would always wear socks around him. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so! She loves her husband and wants to make sure he feels comfortable, so she wears socks. Not a hard thing to do, and it sure would bring harmony to their marriage. It was little things like this that I think exemplify “excessive individualism.” Maybe my friend loves bare feet. In fact, I think she does. But it was such a little thing for her to sacrifice her “feet” and cover them up when her husband was around. Little sacrifices, such as this, can bring great love and harmony to a marriage.

What is marriage?

(Marriage -  Week 2)

How would you define marriage? As I pondered this question, I wondered how much the definition of marriage has changed over the last several years. So I grabbed my handy Mirriam-Webster’s dictionary off my bookshelf and looked up the definition. I own the 10^th collegiate edition, published in 1998, and the first definition states:

a: the state of being married
b: the mutual relation of husband and wife : WEDLOCK
c: the institution whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family

Then I decided to look up the definition found on Mirriam-Webster’s website (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/marriage). I knew it was going to be different, and it definitely was.

a (1): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2): the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage <same-sex marriage>
b: the mutual relation of married persons: WEDLOCK
c: the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage

Wow! Do you see some significant differences? The newer version has changed all the wording to be gender neutral and to include a definition of same-sex marriage.

In 1995, The First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, published a proclamation to the world concerning “The Family.” The very first sentence “solemnly proclaim[s] that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” (emphasis added). This is how I choose to define marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman, end of story in my mind. Abraham Lincoln is attributed to a story that applies very well to this situation. It is said that he “once asked how many legs a dog would have if you counted a tail as a leg. To the response ‘five legs,’ Lincoln said, ‘No; calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.’ In other words, marriage is not merely a positivist creation, but a fundamental human relationship deeply imbedded and essentially defined in human nature and history” (Wardle, L.D., North Dakota Law Review: 83, 2008, p. 1371).

The newer definition of marriage may be more encompassing, but calling a tail doesn’t make it a leg, and I believe that calling a union between two individuals of the same gender does not make it a marriage.

I found it very interesting that the older definition of marriage included the purpose of marriage and that was to found and maintain a family. The newer definition left the purpose of marriage out completely. What does that say to you? The first definition also includes that marriage is “a special kind of social and legal dependence.” I believe this to be true. “Marriage is a public institution, a public status, with public benefits. . . Marriage establishes the moral core of the family and moral baseline and standards for society in many ways” (Wardle, L.D. (2008). The attack on marriage as the union of a man and a woman. North Dakota Law Review, 83: June 2008.)

So what can we do about this changing definition of marriage? Russell M. Nelson instructs, “The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. . . Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage.  We cannot yield. History is not our judge.  A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! . . . The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel” (Disciples of Jesus Christ – Defenders of Marriage, Aug. 14, 2014).

In what do you believe?

(Marriage - Week 1)

In what things do you believe “deeply and actively?” Does your schedule reflect these beliefs? 

I know many people who believe deeply and actively in sports. They never miss their favorite team’s games. They often spend many hours in the preparation of game day food and activities before the game even begins. They watch the news to catch all the scores of other games they missed. They discuss plays and highlights with friends and family. These actions support the fact that they believe deeply and actively in sports.

I believe in the family. I believe in marriage between a man and a woman. In 1980, President Spencer W. Kimball proclaimed, “The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us” (Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4). Now, over thirty-five years later, I believe this statement to be descriptive of our time. We must become a more actively involved people in the organization of marriage. We must believe deeply in the family.

As a stay-at-home mother, I spend most of my time supporting and strengthening my family. But I know I can further support marriage and family by being more deliberate in my mothering; by being more present in my home. Yes, physically I am always here, but am I doing all I should? Am I using my divine nature as a woman to love and nurture my family to the best of my ability? Am I setting an example for my children that I want them to follow?

Unlike sports fans, who cannot control the outcome of a game no matter how hard they try, we can support and strengthen marriage through our actions. The 2012 State of Our Unions by the University of Virginia declares, “For those convinced that stable families are critical for child well-being and thriving communities, strengthening marriage is the goal from which we will not turn away” (32). One way we can apply this in our own lives is to “realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection” (Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, May 2007). Marriage is worth the effort. 

This week, I have also been reminded that each person has been given the gift of agency. No matter how much effort we put into our marriages and families, each individual is responsible for their own actions. A close friend of mine has been struggling this week. She feels like a failure in her role as mother because of the choices of her grown children. She was active and deeply involved in her family, but once her children left home, some have made choices that have made her feel as if she did not do her job well enough. This has reminded me that we must always remember to apply the healing power of the Atonement. No matter what circumstances we face, the hope and peace we can find when we apply the Atonement to our lives can help us through them.