Choose to be humble

 (Marriage Week 7)

 

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us” (“Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989). Pride is the tool Satan uses to rule over us! When I think about this, it is obvious, yet it still strikes me at how important it is to “humble [our]selves and become as little children” (Mosiah 3:18). But how do we do this? How can we be humble? Dr. H. Wallace Goddard reveals, “A whole-souled acknowledgment of our dependence on God is a very good working definition of humility” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 79). Feeling completely dependent on the Lord takes a lot of work and sacrifice. I am definitely a prideful person.

There are some trials or difficulties that I have experienced time and again. When a trial comes that I have experienced before, I often think, “I got this.” Then I try to handle it myself without relying on the Lord. I tell myself I don’t need to bother Him. I got this, remember? And sometimes those trials start off okay, but it never fails that at some point I am called to repentance and brought to the depths of humility, crying out for mercy and divine assistance. For example, when my husband left for his third deployment in the Air Force several years ago, I thought to myself, “I can handle this. I’ve done it all before and know how to get through it just fine.” Then life happens, as it always does. I had a son really struggling with his father being away and acting out. I was swamped with church responsibilities and being the sole provider to four young children. And then I got sick with bronchitis. My body finally took charge. I had amazing friends who helped me rest and recover. And the whole time, I felt a gentle reminder from God telling me that I need to rely on Him. The words of Ammon are a great comfort to me. He said, “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” (Alma 26:12, emphasis added). I need His help in every aspect of my life, no matter how many times I may have traveled a similar road.

How does this apply to marriage? Well, I believe sometimes we become complacent in our marriages. We may think we are doing pretty well at being a good spouse. We may think our marriage is happy and healthy while overlooking things that need to be worked on. We may think, “I got this” when a small (or large) struggle happens in a marriage. This is pride and it is only one small aspect of how Satan uses pride to destroy families and marriages. So learn to rely on the Lord. Turn to Him for help in all things, especially in your marriage. “Let us choose to be humble” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989).

Whenever my husband would return home from a deployment or temporary duty assignment (TDY), there was always a period of adjustment. I had become used to being in charge all the time. I often let things go that I felt were not as important as other things. When you have a spouse to help you, though, you can accomplish much more. We each had to humble ourselves and learn to work together again. The biggest help I found was when we both turned to the Lord in prayer. When I pray, I recognize so many more blessings in my life and I can then thank my Father in Heaven for them. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Gratitude is a catalyst to all Christlike attributes. A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues.” I believe gratitude to be the antidote of pride. So if you want to be humble, pray. If you want to draw closer to your spouse, pray. Pray together. Pray individually. Pray for help and guidance. Pray for your spouse. And in every prayer, be thankful.

Just do it.

 (Marriage Week 6) 

 

Things always work out in the end. This is something I am always saying and reminding myself. It makes my trials seem a bit more bearable. In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, I discovered a quote that explains my personal thoughts about trials better than I ever could. President Howard W. Hunter said, “I am aware that life presents many challenges, but with the help of the Lord, we need not fear. If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right” (The Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 40). Isn’t that just beautiful? Whether your marriage itself is a trial or you are facing trials in your life alongside your spouse, having faith in Jesus Christ is key to finding peace and meaning through those trials.

Before my husband separated from the Air Force, we spent many hours in thought and prayer about this decision. We finally decided we would move to Colorado and settle down near family. We knew this was the step the Lord wanted us to take. When the opportunity came to separate a year earlier than expected, we were excited. We prepared to move, even though my husband did not have a job. Every person we talked to would ask, “Aren’t you scared?” And every time, I would answer negatively, explaining that I knew this was the right decision and felt complete peace. This was not necessarily an easy time in our lives, but knowing we were following God’s will made it so much easier. I had nothing to fear. I knew nothing could go permanently wrong. My husband and I had included God in our marriage and He sustained us through that time. Dr. Goddard explains, “Having faith does not make everything easy. Rather, faith makes life and its challenges both bearable and meaning-filled” (67).

Just as we should follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost in our day to day life to feel closer to God, we should respond to our spouse’s “bids for attention” every day to become closer in our marriages. Dr. John M. Gottman explains, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” It is easy to miss these “bids” because they are often wrapped in anger, or we may be too distracted to even notice that our spouse is vying for our attention. This week I have tried to recognize and respond to the bids my husband sends, and I have felt a deeper connection. Sometimes we just need to pay attention and turn towards our spouse.

Adam and Eve

(Marriage Week 5)

In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Goddard suggests that we learn from our first parents, Adam and Eve. They are the model for us to follow even in marriage, and there is much we can learn from them. First, “we can learn to choose and cherish the good” (Goddard, 39). When Adam and Eve were cast out of Eden, the land was cursed “for [their] sake” (Moses 4:23). They had to suffer, but through their trials, they learned to “cherish the good.” My husband and I have a good marriage, but we have faced difficult times. However, none of our “trials” really felt like trials because we felt sustained by God’s love and the love we had for each other. Some have looked at our trials (deployments, sickness, death, and unemployment to name a few) and thought they were really big, hard things to suffer through. Neither my husband nor I ever felt this way, though. There were times of loneliness and sorrow, but they made the other times that much sweeter.

Another thing this idea of choosing and cherishing the good made me think of was some counsel I received when I was first married. I do not remember who told me to do this, but she told me that I should sit back and really look at my husband, at least once a week, and appreciate him. To do this, I must “check him out” and look for those things that I find attractive in him. She suggested doing this on Sundays (my husband was in our student ward’s bishopric at the time, so I had time to just sit and study him on Sundays) and I have appreciated doing this at least once a week, usually more. When he reads books to my children, I love hearing his voice and playful manner. When he is playing with the baby or one of the older kids, I love seeing his love for them manifested through his actions. When he plays the guitar, I love to relax and listen to him while feeling surrounded by his love. These are just a few of the times I have been able to remind myself to always cherish the good in my husband. It has helped me to always be appreciative of him.

The second thing Dr. Goddard teaches that we can learn from Adam and Eve is to pray. “The only remedy for our loneliness is to call upon God” (Goddard, 40). I was only nineteen-years-old when I married my husband. I was young. I was ready to marry and knew I was marrying the right person, in the right place, at the right time, but I was still young. I think back on how I behaved as a young wife and wonder how my husband survived! When we had disagreements those first few years, I remember I would run to the bathroom and cry. At first, I would think, “If he really loves me and cares about me, he would come comfort me!” I would get angry when he wouldn’t come. (Of course, now I understand he thought I wanted to be alone. And who would want to come find an angry, crying woman? Not me!) Then, I would pray. Luckily, I knew my Father in Heaven was always there for me. And as time went on, I also realized that my husband cannot read my mind. If I want him to hold me, I need to go to him—not run away! But I know that prayer saved me during those first few years of marriage. I am positive that my husband also sought the Lord’s guidance and by so doing, we grew closer even through our struggles.

I also know that praying together as a couple is extremely beneficial. My husband and I are not always the best at doing this, but when we do it regularly, we feel so much closer and loving towards each other. Praying is extremely intimate and what a treasure it is to hear your spouse praying in your behalf or thanking God for you! Whenever I feel I need greater strength and support, I ask my husband if we can set a goal to pray together every evening for a week, and then add on to it. I am so grateful for this mode of communication we have been given.

Adam and Eve were a wonderful example of how a husband and wife should learn and grow together. I am so grateful for the scriptures that teach me how I can be more united and loving in my marriage.

Friendship and Love

(Marriage - Week 4)

This week I began reading two wonderful books on marriage. The first is by Dr. John M. Gottman entitled “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” He sums up the theme for his book well by writing, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” This makes a lot of sense to me and I am excited to read more about his approach. However, this book feels a lot like other marriage books that I have read over the years, especially during the time I thought I wanted to be a marriage counselor. It was the other book I began reading this week that really struck me.

This other book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, reinforced a theory I have had ever since I took Marriage Prep at Brigham Young University over fifteen years ago. My professor then, Dr. Brent Barlow, posed a question to his students asking whether we believed there was only one “right person” to marry. He then had us discuss what we believed needed to take place in a happy, successful marriage. After this discussion, he summed up these thoughts by saying that basically if two people are truly living the gospel of Jesus Christ, then they should be able to have a happy, successful marriage. I had never thought about marriage working that way before, but I could see the truth in it. In “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” Goddard states, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.”

I believe this to be absolute truth. Having been married now for fifteen years, I have seen how my own relationship is much happier and healthier when I am more fully living the gospel. When my husband and I study scriptures together regularly, participate in couple’s prayer, and attend the temple, we draw closer to our Savior as well as to each other. I have a firm testimony of the belief that as each partner in a marriage works to draw closer to God, they also draw closer to each other. You have probably seen this marriage triangle before, but I love the visual reminder.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin put it this way, “Love is the greatest of all the commandments—all others hang upon it.  It is our focus as followers of the living Christ. It is the one trait that, if developed, will most improve our lives” (“The Great Commandment,” General Conference October 2007). We must love the Lord and treat our spouses with love. As we do this, our friendship will grow and our marriage will be happy and healthy as it deepens in strength. 

My professor shared this quote with us from Dr. Goddard’s book. He writes, “It took decades for me to realize the significance of the covenant I made with God and Nancy. On that January day more than 30 years ago, I promised God that I would always look for the good in Nancy. I promised that my attitude would always be redemptive—that no sacrifice would be too great. I promised God that I would be His partner in protecting, blessing, comforting, and saving Nancy’s precious soul. After all, there is nothing in God’s work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner.” I found that quite profound. It really put things into a better perspective: “nothing in God’s work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner.” And we promised to do that! It should definitely be a priority, and we can do it better as we draw closer to God and become more Christ-like.