Friendship and Love

(Marriage - Week 4)

This week I began reading two wonderful books on marriage. The first is by Dr. John M. Gottman entitled “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” He sums up the theme for his book well by writing, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” This makes a lot of sense to me and I am excited to read more about his approach. However, this book feels a lot like other marriage books that I have read over the years, especially during the time I thought I wanted to be a marriage counselor. It was the other book I began reading this week that really struck me.

This other book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, reinforced a theory I have had ever since I took Marriage Prep at Brigham Young University over fifteen years ago. My professor then, Dr. Brent Barlow, posed a question to his students asking whether we believed there was only one “right person” to marry. He then had us discuss what we believed needed to take place in a happy, successful marriage. After this discussion, he summed up these thoughts by saying that basically if two people are truly living the gospel of Jesus Christ, then they should be able to have a happy, successful marriage. I had never thought about marriage working that way before, but I could see the truth in it. In “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” Goddard states, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.”

I believe this to be absolute truth. Having been married now for fifteen years, I have seen how my own relationship is much happier and healthier when I am more fully living the gospel. When my husband and I study scriptures together regularly, participate in couple’s prayer, and attend the temple, we draw closer to our Savior as well as to each other. I have a firm testimony of the belief that as each partner in a marriage works to draw closer to God, they also draw closer to each other. You have probably seen this marriage triangle before, but I love the visual reminder.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin put it this way, “Love is the greatest of all the commandments—all others hang upon it.  It is our focus as followers of the living Christ. It is the one trait that, if developed, will most improve our lives” (“The Great Commandment,” General Conference October 2007). We must love the Lord and treat our spouses with love. As we do this, our friendship will grow and our marriage will be happy and healthy as it deepens in strength. 

My professor shared this quote with us from Dr. Goddard’s book. He writes, “It took decades for me to realize the significance of the covenant I made with God and Nancy. On that January day more than 30 years ago, I promised God that I would always look for the good in Nancy. I promised that my attitude would always be redemptive—that no sacrifice would be too great. I promised God that I would be His partner in protecting, blessing, comforting, and saving Nancy’s precious soul. After all, there is nothing in God’s work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner.” I found that quite profound. It really put things into a better perspective: “nothing in God’s work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner.” And we promised to do that! It should definitely be a priority, and we can do it better as we draw closer to God and become more Christ-like.