Gifts of the Spirit

I spoke in sacrament meeting last Sunday on gifts of the Spirit. Here's a copy of most of my talk (I add things here and there when I go, but this is what I had typed up and ready.)

I love this time of year. Christmas-time is almost magical. And truth be told, I love giving and receiving gifts. I love picking out gifts that will express my gratitude or love to someone else. And I love receiving gifts because it shows that someone cares. The best gift of all, though, is what makes Christmas so magical. The gift Heavenly Father gave us all through His Son, Jesus Christ, is a gift I’m still trying to completely understand.

Jesus Christ came to earth to atone for our sins and break the bonds of death through Resurrection. He has made it possible for us to live again and has provided a way for us to repent and improve ourselves. If we use His gift to the fullest, we can even gain eternal life. These aren’t the only gifts that He has given us, though. When we are baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost. This gift can be our companion at all times if we live righteously and do not make choices that will drive Him away.

             As members of the Church, we are also entitled to other gifts of the Spirit. In Doctrine and Covenants, Section 46, we learn that we “are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally” (v.7) and that we should seek earnestly the best gifts (v.8). Christ teaches in verse 9 that the gifts of the Spirit are “given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh so to do; that all may be benefited that seek or that ask of me, that ask and not for a sign that they may consume it upon their lusts” (v. 9). If we love Him and keep His commandments, we can be given gifts of the Spirit. That may seem like a tall order which is why I love the second part of that which says “and him that seeketh so to do.” He will give us gifts when we are trying to follow Him and do His will. Too often, I think we believe ourselves unworthy when He is just waiting to give us gifts. When Sisters Sheri Dew and Wendy Nelson came to visit last year, one of them, I can’t remember which, compared gifts of the Spirit to gift cards. We have been given an infinite asking of gift cards for gifts of the Spirit, but it doesn’t do us any good until we use them.

So what are gifts of the Spirit? The scriptures list many that we can have, including: the gift of exceedingly great faith, healing, tongues, interpretation of tongues, to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he was crucified for the sins of the world, and the capacity to believe the words of those who testify of Jesus Christ. Elder Bruce R. McKonkie taught, “Spiritual gifts are endless in number and infinite in variety. Those listed in the revealed word are simply illustrations of the boundless outpouring of divine grace that a gracious God gives those who love and serve him.”

Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught about other gifts of the spirit that we might overlook. He says, “Let me mention a few gifts that are not always evident or noteworthy but that are very important. Among these may be your gifts—gifts not so evident but nevertheless real and valuable.
Let us review some of these less-conspicuous gifts: the gift of asking; the gift of listening; the gift of hearing and using a still, small voice; the gift of being able to weep; the gift of avoiding contention; the gift of being agreeable; the gift of avoiding vain repetition; the gift of seeking that which is righteous; the gift of not passing judgment; the gift of looking to God for guidance; the gift of being a disciple; the gift of caring for others; the gift of being able to ponder; the gift of offering prayer; the gift of bearing a mighty testimony; and the gift of receiving the Holy Ghost.
We must remember that to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. It is our right and responsibility to accept our gifts and to share them. God’s gifts and powers are available to all of us.” (“There Are Many Gifts,” November 1987)

          The Bible Dictionary teaches, “Where there is true faith there are. . . all the gifts of God that he gives to his saints.” (BD Faith)

          Christ taught that some things can hinder faith. In John 5:44, he asks, “How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only? “

           John 12:40, we learn that Satan wants to deceive us: “He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them. “

          We can be blessed by the gifts we have been given and also be the gifts others have.

          My patriarchal blessing says that I have the gift of faith. I have felt this gift throughout my life and was grateful for it. We had a pretty rough year last year and my faith was really tested. At one point, I started to doubt if I had enough faith to get through. Luckily, I was meeting with President Carroll for my temple recommend interview and he knew our situation and asked how I was doing. I basically told him the struggle I was having and trial of my faith. He calmly listened and then told me that I still had lots of faith. I was still doing my best to serve in the Church and do all I can to support His kingdom on the earth. Of course this made me cry even more, but helped me get through the next several months. In D&C 46:27, it says, “And unto the bishop of the church, and unto such as God shall appoint and ordain to watch over the church and to be elders unto the church, are to have it given unto them to discern all those gifts lest there shall be any among you professing and yet be not of God.”

Forgiveness

After one of my sisters told me she missed reading my posts on this blog, I thought I would try to continue to share more of my thoughts on marriage, parenting, friendship, and just life in general. This morning I was reading a talk given by Elder Kevin R. Duncan in April of this year, entitled "The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness." He said some things that I really needed to hear today. I have been struggling with feelings of hurt and seeing that struggle in others as well. Whether a friend has done something to hurt you, or a spouse has said or done something that made you feel of less worth, or a child has made decisions that are painful to bear, if we add to that hurt with anger or resentment, we are making everything worse. Elder Duncan declares that "Even though we may be a victim once, we need not be a victim twice by carrying the burden of hate, bitterness, pain, resentment, or even revenge. We can forgive, and we can be free!" I realized that I was allowing my pride to limit my growth, my forgiveness, and my understanding. I tried to view life from the other party's view and boy did things get put into perspective. I could easily feel the love of our Heavenly Father for this person. I had been trying to forgive all weekend, but had fallen short and was allowing the hate, anger, and resentment to fester inside. Realizing that I couldn't avoid being the victim the first time, I had the choice to allow myself to be a victim again or to forgive. "We can forgive, and we can be free!" My heart was changed today and I was able to forgive and be free. What a great feeling. I love this picture quote from Elder Duncan's talk that Time Out for Women created. This one sentence provides an entirely new outlook on the importance of forgiving.

Open Arms

(Marriage - Week 12)

I know many people have to deal with conflict with their in-laws, but I have been really blessed with a great in-law family. I consider my mother-in-law one of my best friends and appreciate her wisdom and insight. Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have provided me and my husband time to develop our own family and never offer any advice unless we ask for it. They are both very loving and accepting of me as well. One of the things I learned from my own dear mother is to call my in-laws “Mom” and “Dad.” Following her example, I asked my in-laws when I first married if this would be acceptable and I am grateful for the feelings of love and acceptance this small act has provided. In the book Helping and Healing our Families, the authors write: 

While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents. It is also helpful to ask parents-in-law if it is all right to call them Mom and Dad, or what they would like to be called. Likewise, it means a great deal for an in-law to be referred to by siblings simply as ‘my brother’ or ‘my sister’ rather than always being labeled as in-laws.” (Harper, J.M. & Olsen, S.F. Helping and Healing our Families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” p. 331)

As much as I have appreciated my relationship with my parents-in-law, I have failed to apply the second part of this insight to my siblings-in-law even though I have seen the power of it when my own sisters-in-law have always called me simply “sister.” I have seen some in my family struggle to feel included and I truly believe that by removing the in-law label we may see some significant improvement with this problem. Too often, we separate our immediate family (siblings and parents) with our in-laws (those who married our siblings) creating a difficult fence to cross. Just as we are all children of God and try to look past so-called barriers of race, religion, and culture, we should accept all into our family with love and acceptance.

 

United We Stand

(Marriage - Week 11)

One of the first rules you learn as a parent, is that both father and mother must provide a united front. They must work together in order for the family to run smoothly and for children to learn and grow without confusion. Having a weekly couple council will provide time for the couple to discuss important matters and become more united. Each spouse brings special abilities to the family unit that should not be overlooked.

Elder M. Russell Ballard wrote, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different. For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family. Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment. In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress” (Counseling with Our Councils, 56).

For this growth to occur, husband and wife must work together. They must be united. President Henry B. Eyring stated, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity” (“That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998). The first step to being united is to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost. President Eyring explains, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony.”

I am setting a goal to have weekly couple council with my husband. We will strive to invite the Spirit to our council and into our home, through obedience, prayer, and repentance.

The Power of Unselfishness

(Marriage - Week 10)

 I love my husband. He is an amazing man, and I feel so honored to be his wife. Throughout our married life (fifteen years so far!), I have had to learn and re-learn how to show him that love because his love language is very different than my own. For me, I would naturally think that giving him a big hug and kiss when he comes home would be the best way to show him how much I love and missed him. However, I have found that spending fifteen minutes before he gets home to clean up the clutter from the kids and make sure the house is presentable means a lot more to him than physical affection. (Not that he doesn’t appreciate the hug and kiss, just that a clean house shows that I was truly trying to speak his language.) In more intimate settings, the situation is the same. I need to be more concerned with him than me. That concern shows my love.  

Concerning intimate relations in marriage, Brent Barlow shares, “When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness (“They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, September 1986).”

I love reading Dr. Barlow because he was my Marriage Prep professor at BYU the semester before I married. I remember going to his office and asking very specific questions about what to expect in marriage. He suggested I read The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. This was such a great book that not only explained sexual relations in marriage but also made the point that one should be more concerned for their spouse than for their own desires to be fulfilled. Just like when we serve others, we find happiness, so too, when we focus on our spouse’s needs, we find that our own are also met and often exceeded.  

Victor Cline explained it this way: “In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)

We can choose to make our sexual relations incredible. And “the key is unselfishness.”

Through the Lord's Eyes

(Marriage - Week 9)

 

It is easy to be critical of oneself and one’s spouse. We know our sins and weaknesses and are extremely familiar with those of our spouse as well. Does this mean we should be critical though? Absolutely not. According to Dr. John Gottman, “[T]here is no such thing as constructive criticism. . . [C]riticism doesn’t make a marriage better. It inevitably makes it worse.” When we are on the lookout for things that make our marriages bad, we will find them. We are here on earth to learn and grow, so we will always be making mistakes. However, when we look for the good in life and in our marriages, we can find those things as well and increase our happiness, gratitude, and love in our homes. Dr. Goddard quotes Wendy Watson as saying, “An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.” How wonderful!

However, looking for the positive things in love and life is often easier said than done. Life is hard. Life is unfair. We are mortal. We are sinners. How can we see the good when all these statements are true? My advice is to raise your outlook. Try viewing your spouse as the Lord sees him/her. He knows the potential and worth of every single person, including yourself and your spouse. Here are 3 tips to help raise your outlook.

1. Pray. Every day you must pray for help and guidance. Pray to see and recognize the good in your spouse. Dr. Goddard expounds, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper. In fact, He must be the ruling partner. There is no other way to have a vibrant relationship.” I know when my husband and I pray together, we feel so much closer to each other. It makes me feel so good to hear my husband pray for me and makes me want to better person. There is power in having couple prayer. Personal prayer is very important as well. I am able to pour out all my thoughts, worries, and cares to my loving Father in Heaven, who welcomes them and then gently guides me to a higher view.

2. Accept. No one is perfect, including your spouse. But you chose him/her. Most likely, no one forced you into marriage or arranged it for you. It was a choice you happily made. And you covenanted to love and accept your spouse, imperfections and all. Dr. Goddard proclaims, “The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse.

3. Love. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever” (Moroni 7:46-47). Dr. Goddard encourages us to cover our spouse’s weaknesses with charity. We do not need to change our spouse to have a loving, happy, fulfilling marriage. But we do need love. When we can see ourselves and our spouses as the Lord sees us, love comes naturally. And like the Primary song says, “Where love is, there God is also. Where love is, we want to be” (Children’s Songbook, p. 138).

I love the following quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (made into a poster by Deseret Book Co.). I believe Christlike love is the greatest need in a marriage as well.