The Power of Unselfishness

(Marriage - Week 10)

 I love my husband. He is an amazing man, and I feel so honored to be his wife. Throughout our married life (fifteen years so far!), I have had to learn and re-learn how to show him that love because his love language is very different than my own. For me, I would naturally think that giving him a big hug and kiss when he comes home would be the best way to show him how much I love and missed him. However, I have found that spending fifteen minutes before he gets home to clean up the clutter from the kids and make sure the house is presentable means a lot more to him than physical affection. (Not that he doesn’t appreciate the hug and kiss, just that a clean house shows that I was truly trying to speak his language.) In more intimate settings, the situation is the same. I need to be more concerned with him than me. That concern shows my love.  

Concerning intimate relations in marriage, Brent Barlow shares, “When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness (“They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, September 1986).”

I love reading Dr. Barlow because he was my Marriage Prep professor at BYU the semester before I married. I remember going to his office and asking very specific questions about what to expect in marriage. He suggested I read The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. This was such a great book that not only explained sexual relations in marriage but also made the point that one should be more concerned for their spouse than for their own desires to be fulfilled. Just like when we serve others, we find happiness, so too, when we focus on our spouse’s needs, we find that our own are also met and often exceeded.  

Victor Cline explained it this way: “In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)

We can choose to make our sexual relations incredible. And “the key is unselfishness.”