United We Stand

(Marriage - Week 11)

One of the first rules you learn as a parent, is that both father and mother must provide a united front. They must work together in order for the family to run smoothly and for children to learn and grow without confusion. Having a weekly couple council will provide time for the couple to discuss important matters and become more united. Each spouse brings special abilities to the family unit that should not be overlooked.

Elder M. Russell Ballard wrote, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different. For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family. Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment. In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress” (Counseling with Our Councils, 56).

For this growth to occur, husband and wife must work together. They must be united. President Henry B. Eyring stated, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity” (“That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998). The first step to being united is to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost. President Eyring explains, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony.”

I am setting a goal to have weekly couple council with my husband. We will strive to invite the Spirit to our council and into our home, through obedience, prayer, and repentance.

The Power of Unselfishness

(Marriage - Week 10)

 I love my husband. He is an amazing man, and I feel so honored to be his wife. Throughout our married life (fifteen years so far!), I have had to learn and re-learn how to show him that love because his love language is very different than my own. For me, I would naturally think that giving him a big hug and kiss when he comes home would be the best way to show him how much I love and missed him. However, I have found that spending fifteen minutes before he gets home to clean up the clutter from the kids and make sure the house is presentable means a lot more to him than physical affection. (Not that he doesn’t appreciate the hug and kiss, just that a clean house shows that I was truly trying to speak his language.) In more intimate settings, the situation is the same. I need to be more concerned with him than me. That concern shows my love.  

Concerning intimate relations in marriage, Brent Barlow shares, “When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness (“They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, September 1986).”

I love reading Dr. Barlow because he was my Marriage Prep professor at BYU the semester before I married. I remember going to his office and asking very specific questions about what to expect in marriage. He suggested I read The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. This was such a great book that not only explained sexual relations in marriage but also made the point that one should be more concerned for their spouse than for their own desires to be fulfilled. Just like when we serve others, we find happiness, so too, when we focus on our spouse’s needs, we find that our own are also met and often exceeded.  

Victor Cline explained it this way: “In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)

We can choose to make our sexual relations incredible. And “the key is unselfishness.”

Through the Lord's Eyes

(Marriage - Week 9)

 

It is easy to be critical of oneself and one’s spouse. We know our sins and weaknesses and are extremely familiar with those of our spouse as well. Does this mean we should be critical though? Absolutely not. According to Dr. John Gottman, “[T]here is no such thing as constructive criticism. . . [C]riticism doesn’t make a marriage better. It inevitably makes it worse.” When we are on the lookout for things that make our marriages bad, we will find them. We are here on earth to learn and grow, so we will always be making mistakes. However, when we look for the good in life and in our marriages, we can find those things as well and increase our happiness, gratitude, and love in our homes. Dr. Goddard quotes Wendy Watson as saying, “An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.” How wonderful!

However, looking for the positive things in love and life is often easier said than done. Life is hard. Life is unfair. We are mortal. We are sinners. How can we see the good when all these statements are true? My advice is to raise your outlook. Try viewing your spouse as the Lord sees him/her. He knows the potential and worth of every single person, including yourself and your spouse. Here are 3 tips to help raise your outlook.

1. Pray. Every day you must pray for help and guidance. Pray to see and recognize the good in your spouse. Dr. Goddard expounds, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper. In fact, He must be the ruling partner. There is no other way to have a vibrant relationship.” I know when my husband and I pray together, we feel so much closer to each other. It makes me feel so good to hear my husband pray for me and makes me want to better person. There is power in having couple prayer. Personal prayer is very important as well. I am able to pour out all my thoughts, worries, and cares to my loving Father in Heaven, who welcomes them and then gently guides me to a higher view.

2. Accept. No one is perfect, including your spouse. But you chose him/her. Most likely, no one forced you into marriage or arranged it for you. It was a choice you happily made. And you covenanted to love and accept your spouse, imperfections and all. Dr. Goddard proclaims, “The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” Learn to accept and appreciate your spouse.

3. Love. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever” (Moroni 7:46-47). Dr. Goddard encourages us to cover our spouse’s weaknesses with charity. We do not need to change our spouse to have a loving, happy, fulfilling marriage. But we do need love. When we can see ourselves and our spouses as the Lord sees us, love comes naturally. And like the Primary song says, “Where love is, there God is also. Where love is, we want to be” (Children’s Songbook, p. 138).

I love the following quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (made into a poster by Deseret Book Co.). I believe Christlike love is the greatest need in a marriage as well.